I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I've blown a few things in my day
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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