I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
