Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
