At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
