standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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