if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
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