sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize