Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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