$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
