Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
