Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
