Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
