This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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