ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize