I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
