8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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