If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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