My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
