No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
