the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
