Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
