Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
