i love accidental penises.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
