you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
