Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
