1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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