News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
