You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
