I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize