I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
