someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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