He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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