High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
