You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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