I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
