I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
