Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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