Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
