one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
