You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
