I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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