Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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