apparently the secret to your success is patron
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
