I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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