We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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