this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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