Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
