the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
