You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
