At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
