One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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