I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
