WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
