Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
