the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
